A Moment Please…

For Raheem Sterling’s many children…

Raheem Sterling

Although Raheem’s Sterling ‘A Moment Please…’ could equally have tackled the stunningly gruesome haircut (pictured above) he sported last summer, we’ve decided instead to focus upon the winger’s propensity to spread his seed. We’re talking, of course, about the rumours that Sterling has already fathered three children (by two different mothers) at the tender age of 19.

There are conflicting reports of the England winger’s fatherly prowess with Sterling himself admitting to having one child whilst fiercely denying reports of another two. Twitter battles and mixed reports suggest that at the very least the mothers of the other two assert Sterling is the father.  If proved true even by footballing standards (where peak fathering years seem to be early twenties) this is insanely prolific.

Make no mistake, this shouldn’t be taken as a criticism of Sterling if all three kids are in fact proven to be his; he’s thrown down a marker. If he fulfills his potential both in footballing and fathering terms at his current rate we’re looking at Cheaper by the Dozen numbers by mid-twenties and the very real chance that in forty years time one out of every two babes born will be in some way related to Raheem Sterling.

Football has given Sterling the opportunity to follow his dreams of impregnating every woman in the world and then supporting his many illegitimate children with the money he earns from the beautiful game. With footballers being criticized at every turn for the obscene amounts of money they make, it’s refreshing to see a man willing to spend his money on the pursuit of his dreams. We salute you Raheem. Keep baby-making till population limits can no longer tolerate your unstoppable potency.


A Moment Please…

For Samuel Eto’o’s sneaky crabwalk…


Schalke’s Timo Hildebrand has already felt the full force of it this season and West Ham’s Adrian was almost caught out during the Hammer’s midweek draw at Stamford Bridge. I’m talking, of course, about Samuel Eto’o’s crabwalk come full-on sprint.

The striker may have blown warm to cold in terms of form this season but his nose for goalkeeping mistakes remains red hot. The audacity, the cheek, the sheer impudence of the man as he horizontally canters towards goal before launching into an all-or-nothing death sprint in the final furlong. It’s so incredibly obvious what he’s doing to everyone apart from the opposing goalkeeper. What a scamp. We salute you Samuel. Keep crabwalking to victory.